Mommy with a Penis

Actors, by trade, are a funny sort. And is it any wonder? For long periods of time there will be no work, dry spells that match the breath and width of the Saraha. And then, in the blink of an eye, a tsunami of work bombards us, and we're hustling our butts from Santa Monica to the Valley to make auditions, rehearsals and costume fittings. Last week, Michael was the recipient of one of those tsunamis. (The checks have already cleared so I know it wasn't some other sort of tomfoolery.) First he played a fireman (as if the costume wasn't a dead giveaway) in a commercial for some sort of iPad like product. Handsome, no? Certainly, you'd want him to put out your fire. And for those of you wondering if he had to shave his facial hair for the fireman, he did not. His smooth skin had nothing to do with that gig. No, he shaved for his second job playing a tranny hooker... This was for Childrens Hospital , Rob Corddry's show on Adult Swim. Michael played Modesty, his actual...

My mother-in-law is Choice. Now, that's not code for something. Not some nifty, new-fangled way of saying dope or all that. Although you can tell I'm far from dope since I use words like nifty and new-fangled . Choice is her given name. Choice Lee to be exact. And if you think there must be some interesting family story as to why she's Choice, you'd be mistaken. Choice is Choice and that's all there is to it. For Christmas we went to Michael's hometown of Alton, Illinois, which is just across the Mississippi from St. Louis. Most of Michael's family lives there, in fact, Choice still resides in the house in which Michael was raised. Now, I've done my share of traveling, and I figure outside of San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Paris, major bastions of metropolis and culture, Alton, Illinois is the place I've spent most of my life. It is the antithesis of the cosmopolitan hustle and bustle I'm accustomed to. What can I say about...

Dear Whoever at Disney, Please forgive my impertinence, however I can hold back no longer. First let me congratulate you on the success of The Wizards of Waverly Place , your kid show about a family of wizards who live in New York. Well, family of wizards is not really accurate, is it? You have a wizard of Italian descent who is married to (I'll borrow from Harry Potter) a Muggle of Mexican descent and they have three half Italian American, half Mexican American, partial Muggle, partial Wizard children, who constantly get into trouble with their rudimentary knowledge of magic. (Congratulations on those Emmy wins for best children's programming.) Yesterday, it happened again. My husband, Michael A. Shepperd, a man you have hired many times, was recognized. It happens all the time. We're at my son's school, or getting a frosty treat at FroYo or chowing down at El Grande Burrito on Santa Monica, and some six to sixteen year old with goo goo eyes will ask Michael, "...

Yesterday, in Maxie's cubby at school, there were two soiled pairs of panties, two soiled pairs of pants and a soiled pair of lavender boots. Don't even ask how she urinated into her footwear. This isn't a total surprise. Maxie has had problems holding it in. I've brought up my concerns with her doctor and she tells me there's nothing to worry about, my daughter's bladder isn't growing at the same rate that she is. I don't know if that makes total sense, but I'm appeased for now. I thought Maxie was going to be a savant on the toilet. When she and I first started pre preschool ( pre pre, isn't it precious) my daughter was the only child not wearing a Pull-Up or diaper. Boy, didn't I feel superior watching the other parents fret about the school's rule that all children must be potty trained before they enter day classes. But once we graduated pre pre and entered half-day, Maxie has peed herself on occasion and overnight I became the fret...

"Honey, there's a naked man in our bed." This is the hackneyed dialog you'd expect in an X-rated movie. But the other night, my husband proffered that tantalizing hors d'oeuvre as I was twittering at the kitchen table. Three possible reads on this statement: 1) My husband is kidding around. 2) He's delusional and should get himself some professional help. 3) There actually is a naked man in our bed. With everything I've written about Michael, it's not difficult to imagine that either number one or number two was the correct interpretation. But, in fact, a naked man was in our bed. Now, you'd expect your average X-rated movie hunk, the kind who suddenly appears in random beds, to be youngish, about six foot four, two hundred twenty pounds with a handsome mug. And as it happens, this fellow, who I'll call Buff for reasons of anonymity and perverse pleasure, was all those things; a glorious specimen of male pulchritude sprawled belly down on my ...

My one man show, Mommy With a Penis , is back on the boards! From adoption hiccups, to choosing the right baby name, to dealing with my daughter's kinky hair, Mommy With a Penis delves into my personal experiences as mommy. Enter into my wacky world where sometimes this happens... And this... And even this... For those of you not in the loop, I first mounted MWAP last June for the Hollywood Fringe Festival. I was then asked to participate in Theatre Asylum's The Best of the Fringe. And now, my good friend Kimleigh Smith (the superhero in the poster below) has put together an event called Delicious , which is comprised of six solo shows including her own, which won Best of the Fringe last year. I will be sharing my evenings with my good friend Ramsey Brown, who is performing her hysterically funny show, Killing It . (Ramsey is the sluttishly dressed blond in the poster.) For those of you in the Los Angeles area, the pertinent info is as follows... From potty training to the ca...

Last week, Sebastian came home with only one piece of homework...learning The Pledge of Allegiance by heart. Bash was going to lead the school in a special assembly. It was his job to tell the students, "Please stand, face the flag, place your right hand over your heart and repeat after me..." This was for the Martin Luther King, Jr celebration in the Michael Jackson Auditorium. I thought it would be a great idea if Michael worked with Bash on his memorization, after all he directs theater. But because of his atheism and aversion to the concept of God , my husband told me he'd prefer not to. But I convinced Michael that Sebastian's success in this endeavor was bigger than his newly stringent beliefs, and rightly or wrongly he bought it. I did notice as Michael was going over the pledge with Sebastian, he'd conveniently omit the phrase "under God" probably confusing the poor child. On Friday, Michael went to the morning performance and I attended the aft...