Mommy with a Penis

The heinous dress kept calling to me. And like a traffic accident, I couldn't stop from sneaking peaks. It was a pink on pink confection, bubblegum on top with matching bows on a fuchsia ballerina skirt. Oh, and did I mention Hello Kitty's puss emblazoned across the bodice? My teeth hurt just looking at it. I was standing in the checkout line at Macy's buying last minute Christmas gifts when the monstrosity caught my eye. My cynical inner voice couldn't help but query, "What poor Filipino sweat shop kid pieced together that dish rag?" But quashing the cynicism was another voice, one that was more powerful, more resonant, and I'm embarrassed to admit, surprising fey, "Maxie would love it!" Followed immediately by, "And I have a coupon!" I'm not sure which gave me the fortitude, the possibility of making my daughter deliriously happy or twenty-five percent off the already discounted price, but either way, I grabbed a 5T off the rack ...

My daughter comes up to me, big smile on her face, Band-Aid on her forehead. I size up the situation and know what I must do. My fingers tingle as my whole being fills with anticipation. Maxie steps closer saying something about Black Doggie. I quickly ignore her two year old prattle, and focus on the task at hand. I only have one shot, and I don't want to blow it. One more step, her face open, her eyes full of trust. DON'T. I can't afford any sentimentality. Sentimentality clouds the judgement. And it is clear...abundantly clear the course of action I must take. Now I'm in the zone. Maxie begins to lean in. Her mouth parts, eyes blink. Wait for it. All my focus goes to ripping off that motherfuckin' Band-Aid. Three...two... Why do kids go ape shit over Band-Aids? (I probably should have written adhesive bandages instead of the brand name, but like most Americans I also refer to tissues as Kleenex, gelatin as Jell-O, and change as Obama.) Every time I buy a box of ...

It was one of those days. My two year old determined NOT to be content. She wants the princess outfit on. She wants the princess outfit off. Hello Kitty t-shirt on with pink panties. No, scratch that. With Sleeping Beauty panties. She throws a box of cereal on the floor. Hello Kitty t-shirt off. Panties off. Yells at dog. Pees on floor. Slaps my face. For lunch, she wants chicken, cucumber, yogurt. She spits out chicken. Ignores cucumber. And knocks her Danimals all over the kitchen counter. She refuses to help clean up. Idonwanna accompanies each action. Her whine so insidious , I'm a vibrating violin string ready to snap. Phone rings. It's Hubby: MOMMY WITH A PENIS: Maxie almost went through the window. HUBBY: (With terror in his voice.) What happened? MOMMY WITH A PENIS: I almost threw her threw her through it!