Mommy with a Penis

I had no idea this would happen. Really.  The whole thing started with an innocuous phone call. LESBIAN FRIEND: How would you and Michael like to be interviewed for the magazine my wife works for? The article would be about gay parenting. Sort of like a real life Modern Family . ME: Cool. See. An interview. That was the extent of it. Emails were sent, phone calls were made, and before I knew it a photo shoot was scheduled to occur in my house. Now, one might imagine any photographer worth his or her aperture would provide his or her own equipment. But somehow the photographer that came to my house to shoot my family neglected to bring any lighting apparatus of any sort, and on a day that was fifty-two shades of battleship gray. Trust me, my bullshit meter was going crazy.  The photographer busied himself moving my living room furniture around, trying to find a glimmer of natural light (knocking my standing lamp over in the process) as Michael...

I'll be  honest, I was okay with his chess-playing ways. I trusted that his bald eagle emblazoned plate was pretty dog gone full. I mean, his to do list from the outset was enough to make most people curl up into a ball and take a nap for four years. I didn't need nor expect him to take the pro stance until well into his second term. But President Obama's announcement last week that he is now in support of gay marriage caught in my throat and brought tears to my eyes in a way I could not have anticipated. A sitting president of the United States has finally supported not only homomony , but also my own personal lifestyle, my marriage, my children and...in a word...me. Boy howdy, I cried like Sherri Shepherd after she was kicked off of  Dancing with the Stars. When I examine it, however, my emotionality may not solely belong to this momentous event. Let's face it, this last week was one for the books when it comes to gay marriage and gay marriage adj...

At the W Hotel in San Francisco the reading material is thin. There's USA Today and, oh yes, USA Today . And in thumbing through last Thursday's paper, which took me all of thirteen point six five minutes, what most grabbed my attention were the letters commenting on New York passing gay marriage. There were four letters total, two pro New York's decision, and two anti. (Interesting to note, the dissenting voices were given double the space.) One of the naysayers was from Texas and the other Ontario. What's wrong, Ontario, did folks stop listening to your vitriol in your neck of the woods, where gay marriage is legal? Did you so want to be heard that your only recourse was to reach across the border, finding voice in the Letters section of USA Today? To support their same sex marriage argument, the two anti letter writers cited the Constitution, the Bible, our Founding Fathers, American values, scientific data or lack thereof, and Merriam-Webster; an auspicious groupin...

I'm in San Francisco for my father's birthday and my sister shared with me the following story about my seven-year-old niece, Gracie. Gracie and her good friend were enjoying a vigorous afternoon of make believe. The friend had a fairy princess doll while Gracie had a schoolgirl doll, and Gracie suggested, "Let's pretend we're walking down the street and we bump into each other. And then, let's pretend we fall in love and want to get married, but we can't because the government says it's against the law."

Let's go back to the November election 2008... Now, I'm not talking presidential or even Prop 8, but something on the Arkansas ballot called Act 1. When the results came in, the people of Arkansas voted to pass Act 1 forbidding anyone "cohabiting outside of a valid marriage" to adopt or foster children. And even though this included heterosexual singles, the initiative was clearly targeted to keep gay people from adopting. It's simple algebra folks: If gays can't legally marry, and only legally married folks can adopt, well then, it stands to reason that those dreaded homos are defeated again!! As an adoptive parent, this pisses me off. There are an average of sixteen hundred children in the system in Arkansas, and yet in 2008 the Razorbacks felt like it was more important to stick it to the ho-man than advocate for their own children. Well, some good news... The ACLU sued the state in December 2008 to overturn the ban, their arguement being that there are no...

Mike Gatto is running in April's election for the State Assembly in California. Well, yesterday, one of his peeps called our house and my husband answered... CALLER: Would you consider voting for Mike Gatto? HUSBAND: Before I can answer that, I need to know where he stands on gay marriage. CALLER: (Pause.) Well, um, I'm pretty sure he's for it. HUSBAND: (Not totally convinced.) Where can I see that in writing? CALLER: (Searching frenetically.) Well... I'm sure it's here somewhere. Oh, yeah, here it is. Yes, he definitely is in favor of gay marriage. (Beat. Beat.) No, wait, that's abortion.

Gay marriage again? Didn't I just go on about this two posts ago when the state of Texas unintentionally nullified each and every marriage in the state by accepting into law bad grammar? I guess gay marriage is just one of those issues that we're going to be hearing a lot about for a long time to come. Sort of the Brangelina of civil rights issues. What finally got me off my keister to write this was the explosion of gayness in the news a couple of weeks back. The most recent was on my television when Portia de Rossi visited the ladies on The View . (Yes, I am almost loathe to report, that on occasion I watch the fem fest known as The View. But it's not a religion or anything.) And as one might expect in an interview with Ellen Degeneres's wife, gay marriage was brought up, to which Ms. de Rossi explained, "It's not a religious issue, or a moral issue. It's just simply a civil rights issue." Then Righty McTighty View hostess, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, pus...

Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman. These are the exact words the grand ol' state of Texas chose to add to it's constitution four years ago to prohibit gay marriage. But those Texan lawmakers are cagey. They knew they couldn't leave the language simple. Some smart-ass sissy boy might find a loophole by procuring a civil union, let's say, and then backdoor his way down the aisle with a welder named Clyde wearing Vera Wang, no less. Oh, the horror! So, to put a stop to the whole magilla, gay marriage, civil union and it's incestuous cousin domestic partnership, the following sentence was added... This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage. These changes were voted on, and not surprisingly, passed into law. That's right, it's in the books. No gay marriage here. We're a football state, and we barbecue. So, take that, you pansies...

For this Fatherhood Friday I choose to swing a little political. I'd like to bring up the unfortunate events surrounding Governor Mark Sanford. I have a different view than what's been expressed. It occurs to me that we should be staying out of his personal affairs. Since I defended Bubba Clinton in this manner, I felt it would be contradictory if I jumped on the bandwagon against Gov. Sanford simply because I don't share his political views. As long as he's responsible at his job... What's that? He disappeared for five days misleading his handlers as to his whereabouts. He said he was meandering up and down the Appalachian Trail when in really he jetted down to South America? Well, you're right, that doesn't seem very responsible. I would imagine if some gubernatorial emergency were to arise it would be necessary to have the Chief Executive Officer of South Carolina on speed dial, even if he did need some personal days to "clear his head." ...

Let's get something straight . (Perhaps an unfortunate choice of word.) The consolation prize does not work. This is not like getting second place, the a red ribbon. I will not get up and say it was an honor just to be nominated . This was not we'll do better next time or congratulations or be a sport . This was a heart wrenching decision. So, even though I appreciate the well wishers who chimed in, at least your marriage is still legal, my heart is tight in my chest, my brain screaming. Prop 8 was unfortunately upheld by the California Supreme Court, and in a confounding display of decision making, so were the eighteen thousand same sex marriages that were performed between June and November of last year. Upheld. I'm still married. But my brothers and sisters who didn't take advantage of the four month window cannot. I do not feel victorious. People want to tell me about the bright side . But I don't need any one to pacify me right now. My anger will serve me. My...

We got it! In the mail today. A piece of paper never felt more important. Engraved, signed, and dated with a seal. It doesn't define us. I refuse for it to define us. But how am I not to feel that much more validated by society? My head doesn't hang as low. My eyes don't dart as much. My knees don't buckle. I'll admit, we were scared it would never arrive in our mailbox. Our state is in such a state we were afraid to believe... Why is this taking so long? We have to be patient. We should have heard something by now. These things take time. I don't think we're getting it. Don't say that. It happened in October, it's now May. They're backed up, that's all it is. That's seven months ago. Bureaucratic red tape. The whole thing's a hoax, I'm telling you. No, it's not. That's it, let's move to Iowa! In a time when the definition of marriage is questioned daily, in a time when we in California are waiting on pins and needles...

Let's start with name calling. I want you to think of every filthy name in the book. Every racial epithet. Every sexist bon mot . Every international slur. Every gender bender. Every sexual orientation slam. Balls to the wall, I want you to create you own filthy, disgusting, slanderous mental list. Now read the following excerpt from an interview with Joe the Plumber in Christianity Today . Christianity Today : In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level? (Pretty much the same question that put Miss California on the national hot seat. Watch out Joe!) Joe the Plumber : At a state level, it's up to them. I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong. People don't understand the dictionary--it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, G...