Come On Boys, Drop Your Shorts

I never thought I'd be that person. You know the type. Who would get offended by the words or actions of television characters. What she said is racist. That is blatant sexism. That kind of systemic ageism reflects badly on our society. Come on! Lighten up. It's only TV. And then I watched last week's episode of Criminal Minds.

I admit it, I'm totally into fictitious serial killers. I am an avid fan from Hannibal Lector to Dexter. And each week on Criminal Minds, I enjoy the horrifically damaged psychopath who reeks havoc leaving bodies in his wake. Then the team (an amusing bouquet of FBI profilers) use psychology and socialogy and a whiz bang ex-computer hacker to nail the bastard. This show is not for the faint of heart. The killers sometimes use grisly techniques, and sometimes after the air date even I with my cast iron stomach can't eat beef carpaccio for days. This last week, the filthy slime bucket of a killer developed an anthrax-like pathogen, and released it on a breezy day into a kiddie park. Lots of death. The team had to investigate.

The Tremendously Hunky Agent partners with the Overly Smart Dweeby Agent. They go to the suspect's house. Dweeby is exposed to the anthrax. Hunky calls in the HAZMAT team. Cut to shower set up. Dweeby is soaked in his clothes (huh?) and the following takes place...

Overly Smart Dweeby Agent: Go help Hotch.

Tremendously Hunky Agent: Hotch has plenty of people helping him.

Overly Smart Dweeby Agent: He needs you more than I do.

Tremendously Hunky Agent: Reid, I'm going to see you off to the hospital.

Overly Smart Dweeby Agent: I'm about to get naked so they can scrub me down. Is that something you really want to see?

(Uncomfortable beat. Tremendously Hunky Agent opens his mouth to speak, closes it and raises an eyebrow in fraternal understanding.)

Tremendously Hunky Agent: I'll check on you later.

AND HE GOES! Possibly leaving Dweeby to die an excruciating pathogen induced death.

But these guys are profilers. They use brain more than brawn. Logic and psychology and intuition are their tools. They've successfully tapped into the female side of their brains. And yet, here they are sharing in a stunning display of hombre a hombre homophobia.

What was the writer's intent if not homophobia? I can't imagine it was a humorous button. Besides Criminal Minds isn't know for its knee slapping jocularity. So, then, what was the point? Hunky leaves because he doesn't want to face Dweeby's peepee? Is that it? Is it a sexual orientation issue? Is it size? Girth? I mean really...what's the prob here?

***

Lt. Dan Choi went on the Rachel Maddow Show in March and said three fateful words, I am gay. He feels strongly against the discrimination that is Don't Ask, Don't Tell, something Obama says he is against as well. And when you think about it, it's okay to be gay in the military but only if you don't talk about it!?!?!!? Who does that benefit? Lt. Choi is a graduate of West Point. He's an Iraq combat veteran as well as an Arabic linguist. His subordinates know of his sexual orientation and don't give a rip. In essence, he is entirely effective at his job. And yet, by speaking three little words The United States Army has relieved him from duty.

"This is to inform you that sufficient basis exist to initiate action for withdrawal of Federation Recognition in the Army National Guard for moral or professional dereliction. Specifically, you admitted publicly that you are a homosexual, which constitutes homosexual conduct. Your actions negatively affected the good order and discipline of the New York Army National Guard."

How? How does it negatively affect? Every time this argument swing back into the news the only thing resembling an answer comes from some yahoo, "Well, how am I supposed to feel safe taking a shower if I know one of my platoonmates is a homo." So, is that the reason Don't Ask, Don't Tell is still with us? The fear of the shower. And someone peeping at your peepee. That excuse is as pathetic as the homophobic dialog above.



Be sure to follow the link and put your name on a list that asks President Obama to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell and not to fire Lt. Dan Choi.

***

I'm reminded of this French film called Entre Nous, and in it there is a scene with two women looking into a mirror topless. (Would we expect anything less from the French?) The one woman looks at the other and says, "You have beautiful breast." To which the recipient of the compliment responds with a typically blase French stare. She might as well have been told, "Nice nose."

No guy has ever platonically said to me, "Nice cock." And I have to wonder if it's impossible for a man to admire another man's phallus without sexual intent. We don't need to get into a whole discussion about skyscrapers and world domination. But to all you guys reading along, I have a feeling if we could compliment and even admire each other's peepees in a friendly nonthreatening manner, Criminal Minds wouldn't have banal dialog, and maybe, just maybe Lt. Dan Choi and twelve thousand five hundred other soldiers might still have their jobs.