Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A Letter to Dan Cathy

Dear Dan Cathy,

Boy, have you taken your hits in the news lately. And to be honest, I don't think the bad press over your statements shooting down gay marriage is entirely justified. On the Ken Coleman radio show you pronounced our generation has "the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is all about." I, however, believe you, as CEO of the overly-hyphenated Chik-fil-A, not only have every right to say whatever ding-dong thing you please, but you also have the right to donate your personal millions towards any conservative, bigoted, homophobic cause of your choosing. Unlike many, I don't consider your words to be full of hate (a word my mother taught me never to use), you simply were expressing your limited interpretation of the Bible, ignoring basic tenants like benevolence, tolerance and love. It might surprise you--me being a married gay man with two kids--that on this, Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day, I write to share my support.

I am not a marketing professional, by any means, however I have some thoughts that might help you out of this morass. (Face it, sales have plummeted since you made those hurtful statements.) Yes, you do live in a free country. And yes, you have the right to say any small-minded thing that pops into your head. But...and this is where I want you to pay attention...don't play the victim when those you've offended (along with their supporters and families) refuse to empty their wallets to buy your chicken samitch. Why would I want to give you my money, which then you in turn would place in the coffers of extreme Christian groups that are trying to eviscerate my family?

What I'm trying to say is next time you might want to keep that yap of yours shut. You've angered so many... Mayor Rahm Emanuel, for example, is trying to keep your chicken from infiltrating Chicago saying, "Chik-fil-A's values are not Chicago values." Likewise, Mayor Thomas M. Menino from Boston does not want the chain to enter his neck of the woods either. He even took time to compose a letter which highlights, "When Massachusetts became the first state in the country to recognize equal marriage rights, I personally stood on City Hall Plaza to greet same sex couples coming here to be married. It would be an insult to them...to have a Chick-fil-A across the street from that spot." Snap! And even the Jim Henson Company vowed never to work with you again. They pulled their merch and released the following statement, "Lisa Henson, our CEO is personally a strong supporter of gay marriage and has directed us to donate the payment we received from Chick-Fil-A to GLAAD." Dude, you pissed off the Muppets!


There is, however, an upside to this fracas. This surge of liberal love has given you some stalwart conservative supporters. Like cockroaches after a nuclear blast, they've come guns-a-blazin' to your defense.

Mike Huckabee, a staunch supporter of fucking with the gays, created a Facebook page called Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day, which is encouraging Americans to support your freedom of speech and intolerant, Christian stance by stuffing their faces at a Chik-fil-A restaurant today.

In support of Huckabee's idea, peach shake-besotted Rick Santorum tweeted:


Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin grabbed hubby Todd and rushed to a nearby restaurant (hopefully with a view of Russia) to get this photo op...


This is crazy. When have you ever heard of politicians promoting fast food? Michelle Obama has it all wrong. She has gone on ad nauseum about the benefits of eating healthily, but this last week has shown that's not what the American people want to hear. No, they want to flock to your chain and gorge on bleached flour, MSG, saturated fats and TBHQ (a preservative made from butane). This truly is a feather in your balding cap...although unlike you, Michelle Obama will probably be invited back to Sesame Street.


Perhaps your biggest win might be that of author, religious speaker, sometimes television interviewee, and all around Christian good guy, Jonathan Merritt. He's speaks very highly of Chik-fil-A, promoting both your philanthropy and your sandwiches opining, "boycotts are such a waste of time." He followed up this wisdom by plugging your philosophy,"anti-gay marriage is not the same as being anti-gay." 

Why do I bring up Jonathan Merritt, a name you might not recognize? Because this man who has been voraciously vocal against gay marriage, who, it seems, eats regularly at your food chain...wait for it...was recently outed. That's right, he was caught kanoodling with one of his blog fans. The self-deceiving, closet case is a tricky niche market but, by gumbo, you successfully tapped that biotch. Kudos to you.

I would imagine you're desperately trying to figure out how win back the proud, self-respecting gays and lesbians. Let's just face facts, you're never going to do this with Chik-fil-A. Firstly, there's those stupid hyphens, forced misspellings and that bizarre capital A...sooooo 1980's. For the Castro, the Village, Palm Beach, West Hollywood, etc. you'll need to open an entirely different chain that's seemingly separate. Something classy and erudite without peculiar punctuation.

I took the liberty to rearrange the letters of your name and your company's name and created what I think would be a perfect compliment to Chik-fil-A. I present to you...

Lady Chichi Kaftan

Okay, it might not necessarily sound classy, and I don't know what kind of food you'd serve, but the gays would flock to it!

Sincerely,
Hutchins Foster
Writer, Actor, Mommy with a Penis 

PS. Unlike with Chik-fil-A, you might want to keep Lady Chichi Kaftan open on Sundays. I know you have a thing about working on the Sabbath, but it might help you to know that going to brunch is considered gay church.

2 comments:

Denielle said...

Love this, especially the "gay church" comment, hahahaha.

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

Perfect.