Dear Whoever at Disney,
Please forgive my impertinence, however I can hold back no longer. First let me congratulate you on the success of The Wizards of Waverly Place, your kid show about a family of wizards who live in New York. Well, family of wizards is not really accurate, is it? You have a wizard of Italian descent who is married to (I'll borrow from Harry Potter) a Muggle of Mexican descent and they have three half Italian American, half Mexican American, partial Muggle, partial Wizard children, who constantly get into trouble with their rudimentary knowledge of magic. (Congratulations on those Emmy wins for best children's programming.)
Yesterday, it happened again. My husband, Michael A. Shepperd, a man you have hired many times, was recognized. It happens all the time. We're at my son's school, or getting a frosty treat at FroYo or chowing down at El Grande Burrito on Santa Monica, and some six to sixteen year old with goo goo eyes will ask Michael, "Aren't you on that show?" And I mean all the time. Michael will puff out his chest and politely say yes encouraging any kind of adulation. At which point the tyke (or teen) will ask, "What's it like working with Selena Gomez?" or more to the crux of my letter, "When are you going to do the show again?"
When is he going to do the show again? You see, we have bills to pay, education funds to build up, so another episode of Wizards would be dandy just about now. And with Miss Gomez's announcement that this is her last season and the future of the show is in flux, it would be a great time to bring Michael's character, Officer Lamp, back. To refresh your memory I've included a clip from Alex's Choice, episode seven of season one. In it you will witness Michael A. Shepperd's wonderful talent and crackling comedic timing. I dare you not to smile...
And as I think about it, why stop at only one episode? Why not bring Michael A. Shepperd back for a story arc? What if Officer Lamp were to move in with the Russos? Before you say no, just stop and think of the comedic possibilities. Large black man moving in with the Italian, Mexican, Muggle, Wizard family. It's genius. Wizardly mayhem ensues and Officer Lamp ends up in a female viking outfit or dressed like Carmen Miranda. The hilarity would be earth shattering.
If you're still not moved to send out a contract I'd like to bring to the table the eighth episode of season two entitled Harper Knows. That's right. You know of what I speak. The Russos are enlisted to help Officer Lamp find rogue wizards at the comic book convention. (Really, great material!) And in the original script, through some hocus pocus, Officer Lamp finds himself dressed like Wonder Woman on steroids.
It was funny. It was an eye catcher, and truth be told, you made my husband very happy. But then one of your muckety-mucks decided a large black man in go go boots might confuse today's youth and at the last minute that plot line was scrapped. A new costume was made and Harper ended up in the Wonder Womanesque costume, not Officer Lamp.
So, if you think about it, Disney, you owe Michael A. Shepperd. A job and a kick ass costume.
Mommy With a Penis