I Married a Satyr

SEBASTIAN: My daddy's a satyr.


SEBASTIAN: My daddy is a satyr.

ANY STRANGER WHO WILL LISTEN: Your daddy eats Seder?

SEBASTIAN: (With increasing fury.) No. He's a satyr.





ANY STRANGER WHO WILL LISTEN: A senior? A sadist? A sitarist?

SEBASTIAN: No. You are not listening to me. MY DADDY IS A SATYR!!!

As a parent, I never expected to hear that uttered from my child's lips. The problem is twofold. No one expects a little kid to announce that his father is a mythological creature, and many folks don't know what the dickens a satyr really is.

So, let's start by demystifying. In Greek mythology, a satyr is a follower of Dionysus, and on vase paintings is portrayed with with a swinging horse tail and perpetual erection. It wasn't until Roman times when the upper body of a man was attached to the lower body of a goat.

For some reason, the above description reminds me of Danny DeVito. Who is more satyr-like than Louie De Palma, the smarmy dispatcher he played on Taxi? He was a smelly, foul mouthed, sex obsessed man in a cage, always making inappropriate advances to Marilu Henner. Which is probably why Disney cast him as the brow beating satyr Philoctetes, Phil to his friends, in their animated feature Hercules. Who better to eat shrubbery, chew scenery and chase after Nymphs.

Satyrs are described as roguish, subversive and dangerous. They are often depicted with beards and are lovers of wine, women and physical pleasure. (And if you exchange wine for vodka, and women for men, you'd be describing my husband to a tee.)

About four years ago, Michael worked on a USC movie, in which he played...you guessed it...a satyr. From set, he emailed pics of himself in full costume and makeup. Sebastian, who's always had a fondness for monsters and evildoers, was immediately hooked. He wanted to see Daddy at work, a request he'd never made previously. So, of course, the next day, I drove him to the studio. Michael was waiting for us on the street in full satyr regalia, which in Hollywood isn't all that eye popping. And immediately, Bash FREAKED OUT. He clung to me and refused to look at Michael. What seemed kinda cool on the computer screen was quite overwhelming in person.


Today is Michael's birthday. Unfortunately, I am not with him to celebrate. And even though he had his own celebration last night, something to do with a hot tub and a chilled martini in a Styrofoam cup, I wish I were there.

Michael is crazy busy in Palo Alto. He's in rehearsals for a musical called A Civil War Christmas. As he explains it, "I'm playing the black person." Actually, all the actors are taking on multiple roles. So, I imagine he's immersed in memorizing songs, learning blocking and finding the intricate character nuance of Frederick Douglass, or Harriet Tubman, or W.E.B. DuBois, Aunt Jemima, Nipsey Russell, Oprah, or Usher or whoever he's playing. (Can you tell my hold on Civil War history is a little shaky?)

The point is that he is due north about three hundred fifty-two miles, and I am unable to give him a birthday kiss tonight.


And now a private note...

Happy thirty-sixth* birthday, my darling.

The LA Times's horoscope for today's birthday is: Your special charisma will be amplified. It benefits you to bring more to the table in relationships and work, and your enhanced offerings will attract major love and success. March brings a whirlwind of publicity. Your stellar reputation brings financial abundance. A family-oriented event is a must-attend in August. Libra and Taurus people adore you.

Well, when it comes to you, this Libra is over the moon, but Miss Taurus better back the fuck off! Your charisma, stellar reputation, financial abundance and enhanced satyr offerings are ALL MINE! See you in three days!! But for now, I send you a kiss...

*Objects may appear as a lesser value than they actually are.


surprised mom said…
This is a wonderfully funny and touching post.

Happy Birthday Michael!

Sorry you can't be with Michael, Hutch, but I'm sure you'll celebrate when you get together. The kiss you sent Michael was precious.

When I first read the title of your blog, I kind of skimmed over it then something went WHOA in my mind and I reread it. Oh, I thought, Satyr, not Star. Then I went WHAT? Thanks for adding the explanation of what a satyr is. And Danny Devito, huh?

And btw, Michael's comment that he will be playing the black person, I didn't know whether to laugh or just be rueful.
Frau said…
Happy Birthday Michael!
Donna said…
Love the Blog! Happy Birthday and keep 'em coming. xo Donna
Michael Rivers said…
Great post! And happy birthday to Michael!
Talon said…
Sebastian is made of Awesome.

Maxie may be made of pink glittered tulle and moxie however.

And Happy 36th Birthday Michael!! You're a year older than me!!

And Hutch...you are SUCH a wonderful husband for...well let's just say I follow your blog pretty stalkerishly. My second spouse and I often Stumble bits and pieces from your posts back and forth with a HELL FUCKING YEAH and other less...polite...feminine sorts of remarks. (All positive,I assure you.)

My OTHER spouse just looks nervously at me from the next computer when I start cackling.

What can I say. You're a hell of a writer, a hell of a Mommy and a hell of a husband.

Also you have the most adorable kids this side of...well...they're almost as cute as mine :P

High Praise I assure you!!
Anonymous said…
THis is my first comment on mommy with a penis. My life would not be as full and wonderful and amazing without you in it! I love you Hutch!
Sorry I'm not always the perfect husband but I'm the most perfect husband for you.
Anonymous said…
Rather interesting place you've got here. Thanx for it. I like such themes and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read more soon.

Best wishes
Timm Clade
Joyce Lansky said…
The horns look so real. It's amazing what make-up can do these days.

With the popularity of Percy Jackson, I think this young generation will know about satyrs.

I'm your newest follower.


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