Dear Madonna

Dear Madonna,

It seems oddly appropriate that I start a letter to you on Easter Sunday. I have been thinking a lot about you lately, and I know first hand the pain you are going through. You want to hole up in a cave. You want to hold your children close. You are ready to strike at the first idiot who crosses your path. You feel as if your heart has been ripped out and served on an ornate platter. You want the world to shut up, because your torment is not for others' blithe entertainment. You feel no matter how long you lick, your wounds will never heal. You will bitch slap the next person who tries to create logic out of an illogical situation, and personally if anyone espouses, "it was meant to be" or "it's God's will" you have my permission to scratch their snatch out.

I know this because my husband, Michael, and I have suffered through eight failed adoptions. Three birth mothers who changed their minds, an incompetent social worker, a fucking Mountain Dew swilling scam artist and a little boy who didn't live a day are a few of our horrendous tales. And like your judge in Malawi, every single failure was at the hands of well meaning yet idiotic adults, who let a false sense of "what is right" get in their way, causing them to make horrifically bad choices.

Fact, there are one million orphans in Malawi. Fact, a good percentage of these children will have short life expectancies and many will end up with AIDS. Fact, the world is not rushing to help this poor country. What possible reason could anyone with synapses firing give to not help a child with these unfortunate circumstances?

I get that people see you as racy. They know about your colorful past. You're the Material Girl with questionable mothering skills. The pop star who changes hair color as often as you do accents. The fashionista who wears Jean Paul Guaultier pointy boob outfits to the mall. But I, personally, would have let you adopt this little girl. Hell, I would have let you adopt a baker's dozen if you would have taken them. For Pete's sake, your name is Madonna!

If not Malawi, then may I suggest another country. Both my sisters went to Korea for their babies. Actually, you may find their story interesting... My sister, Sara shares my birthday and that of your oldest daughter Lourdes (freaky, right?) She and her husband went the adoption route for their second child. About a year and a half after they adopted Quentin, Korea called saying birth mom had given birth again. Would they like this child as well? But Sara was pregnant and an adopted child is almost never placed in a home with a newborn.

So, Sara texted my other sister Julie, and asked if she wanted this little boy. (I know, she didn't phone or write or smoke signal. She texted.) A little bit about Julie... Julie bore three children and was stick-a-fork-in-her-she's-done with the baby thing. No more diapers. No more getting up at all hours. No more projectile vomit. Fahgeddaboutit! Kaput!! DONE!!! And yet, when she heard about this little Korean fellow who needed a home the hairs on her arm stood on end. Fait accompli. It took about ten months, but finally she and Rob went to Korea to bring Baby Julian home. Quentin and Julian are biological brothers who are being raised in my family as first cousins.

Thing about Korea, Mad Dog, they have serious restrictions for prospective adoptive parents.

For instance, you can't be fat. Now, even I can vouch that isn't an issue with you. Last Summer, a friend of a friend had spare tickets for Michael and I to see your Sweet and Sticky concert. You are quite possibly the most unfat individual I've ever seen. You are a machine for fuck sake! I watched you power jumprope while singing harmony! You didn't get winded, didn't break a sweat. Hell, I huff and puff when opening a bag of Lays.

Also, you can't be gay. Now, you're in the music industry, so this may or may not have anything to do with you. Hard to tell. My advice if you go the Korean it with girl on girl PDAs at award ceremonies.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I just thought of a reason why Korea is not going to let you adopt a kid. And it's nothing to do with your Judaic-Hindu-Christian beliefs. Sorry to have to say this, Madge. You're too old.

Now, if overseas adoptions continue to be a pain in the tuchis, there is your home country. Another story... When Maxie was a baby, I'd carry her around in the Guatemalan sling and strangers would be drawn to her as they are to babies. But they wouldn't tell me how beautiful she was, no. They'd ask, "Where is she from, Malawi or Ethiopia?" (Witness the influence of you and Angelina.) And I have to admit, I had a little bit of pride when I responded, "Neither. LA County."

There are an estimated 500,000 children in the foster care system in the US. Just sayin'. It's an alternative to the overseas thing. Just don't try to adopt from Arkansas. Another example of misguided, well meaning adults. Arkansans believe it's much better for an orphan of their state to circle the foster care system than be adopted by single folks like you. (Single folks often being code for gay people.) That one burned me up this last election more than the passing of Prop 8 in California.

Word of warning. This little girl will always be with you. You will see her smile, hear her laugh. You will create a special place for her in your heart. I don't know if you plan to be a part of her life, Michael and I chose to cut ties to the children who touched us. But I think about them. Wish them the best. The memories continue to be painful. The ones caused by well meaning people.

I hope you don't give up. If having a larger family is important to you, and it's not filling some emotional void left from your divorce, then as someone who went through eight failed adoptions, I say take some deep breaths, align your chakras and get right back up on that horse, little lady.

Hope this helps.

Mommy With a Penis


Out-Numbered said…
Dude. So freaking true. Dysentery orrrrrr Madonna? Idiots. Well written piece my friend. I hope she sees it.
Vodka Mom said…
wait, Madonna's not gay?
Vodka Mom said…
(loved this letter. well done. )
PaleMother said…
This was great. I forwarded it to the grand dame of ALI (Adoption, loss, infertility) blogs (Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters) and she is adding you to her blog roll.

Pam said…
I'm new to your blog and think this post is great!
It amazes me how 'well meaning' adults screw it up so bad for so many kids who need to be loved.
Thanks for sharing.
i am the diva said…
WOW, after reading this i am so happy to see you have those two beautiful babies. Yay!

great letter.
Lilly said…
This post is amazing and all I can say is your babies are very lucky to have you and Michael as their parents. As you are to have them too. Great story about your sisters boys too.
Anonymous said…
The charity 'Raising Malawi' (PR firm) founded by Madonna AND TWO OTHERS in '06' held fund raisers for over two years before finally getting registered as a non-profit. In other words, Madonna and the others were free to squander that funding any way they saw fit for those first two years. In fact, they still havn't accounted for the 3.7 million raised from a single event in the fall of '07' (The grand opening of a Gucci flagship store in Manhattan.). She also pleaded with her fans worldwide for donations along the way. In the meantime, she toured the world to promote her latest CD and raked in another $280,000,000 gross in just over 12 months. To date, the basic financial info for 'Raising Malawi' still hasn't been posted on the website or anywhere else. The 'progress' page only tells of the collective works by over 20 seperate charities. Each of which have their own sources of funding and may have recieved some sort of promotion or support from 'Raising Malawi' in order to be considered 'partners'. But no indication is made how much of their funding came from 'Raising Malawi' or how much of their progress if any could be directly attributed to 'Raising Malawi'. The fans/donors have no clue how many millions of dollars were raised in that first two years, no clue how much Madonna herself chipped in, and no clue how the money was spent before they finally registered as a non-profit. No clue what fraction of funding or works listed on that 'progress' page could be directly attributed to 'Raising Malawi'. Nothing to go on but the vague and misleading word of Madonna. For example: She states in her latest promotional video that she will match any contributions made to her charity (PR firm) "dollar for dollar". However, there is a disclaimer posted on the website for 'Raising Malawi' that Madonna's total contribution will not exceed $100,000. Thats not per donation. Thats a maximum of $100,000 TOTAL. Less than a single days pay for Madonna. Also much less then she will surely rake in by promoting her own CDs, DVDs, and 'for profit' merchandise through this massive worldwide publicity stunt. So I called the office of 'Raising Malawi' in an attempt to verify some sort of efficient financial operation (310) 867-2881 or (888) 72-DONOR). These details are ALWAYS made available by legitimate charities. But not in this case. I got nothing but recorded messages and hangups. So I did some research on my own. 'Raising Malawi' still hasn't been given any kind of rating by ANY independent charity watchdog like The vast overwhelming majority of 'celebrity' foundations never are. In general, they are inneficient and riddled with corruption. Like the promotion of CDs, world tours, commercial websites, entire lines of jewelry (not just the single piece from which proceeds are donated), and high end retail flagship stores. Its far less expensive to promote your image and product with a contribution to your own charity (PR firm) than it is to buy commercial airtime worldwide. This is why its become such a trend. Celebrity foundations are also notorious for squandering much of their funding on private jet rides and super high end accomodations for their managers, PR crews, and celebrity figure heads. Its legal even for a nonprofit but not noble or efficient by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, non-profits are not actually required by law to be efficient. This is why the independent rating is so important. In general, 'celebrity' foundations never even get one. They are a twisted inefficient mutant of charity, self-promotion, exotic travel, and PR crap. Still, they compete for funding with more efficient legitimate charities. The celebrity figure heads often disregard the primary donors, co-founders, and managers, take personal credit for any collective work done, and seek maximum publicity shortly before or after the release of their own commercial projects. Its a sham. So if its not rated, then don't support it. Instead, support a top rated charity like any of those given high ratings at

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