Wednesday, April 22, 2009

That Crazy Chicken

Writing about gay marriage in the previous post made me think of the following story...

Once upon a time, Little Chicken was living his fab twinkbottom life in West Hollywood when he stumbled upon the fact that Burger King gave money in support of Prop 8. He said to himself, "They think heterosexual marriage is more legit than homosexual marriage." And with that, Little Chicken flipped his apricot lowlights and said, "The lie is galling. The lie is galling! I must go to the Times and expose Burger King."

On the way to the Times Office Downtown, Little Chicken ran into his bulldyke buddy Henna Placenta (not her real name) who was coming out of her tattoo parlor. Little Chicken called out to her, "Henna Placenta, Henna Placenta, did you hear Burger King gave money in support of Prop 8?"

Henna Placenta torqued her head, cracked her neck and said, "That makes my blood boil. But what can we do?"

"Well, I'm on my way to the Times Office Downtown," crowed Little Chicken. "Why don't you join me."

"But I have a bitch of a client inside mid tat. I just came out for a smoke," said Henna Placenta.

"But they say heterosexual marriage is more legit than homosexual marriage." And with that Little Chicken flipped, Henna Placenta cracked and they both said, "The lie is galling. The lie is galling!!"

"Screw my client. Instead, I will go with you to the Times and expose Burger King!" exclaimed Henna Placenta.

So, Little Chicken and Henna Placenta started to make their way to the Times Office Downtown. As they walked past No Harm No Fowl Gym, the doors burst open and out strutted an incredibly beefy Turkey Workout wearing a silk tank top and Spandex short shorts. Seeing his friends, he barrelchested his way to them. "Great workout," he said in an oddly high pitched voice while flexing his pecs. "Anyone up for a latte?"

"Turkey Workout, Turkey Workout we can't," said Little Chicken. "Burger King gave money in support of Prop 8. Henna Placenta and I are on our way to the Times Office Downtown. Won't you join us?"

"I really had my mouth set on that latte."

"But they say that heterosexual marriage is more legit than homosexual marriage."

And with that, Little Chicken flipped, Henna Placenta cracked, Turkey Workout flexed and the three of them clucked, "The lie is galling. The lie is galling!!"

"The latte can wait. Instead, I will go with you to the Times to expose Burger King!" announced Turkey Workout.

And so, the three friends continued on their journey. On their way, Little Chicken, Henna Placenta and Turkey Workout bumped into Loosey Poosey coming out of a spin class. Little Chicken called out, "Loosey Poosey, Loosey Poosey."

"Little Chicken," exclaimed Loosey Poosey, her legs spread a little bit too wide, "give Mama some sugar." And Loosey Poosey overpowered Little Chicken with a little too much PDA making the others uncomfortable.

"Slut," Henna Placenta whispered under her breath.

Little Chicken had a brilliant idea, "Loosey Poosey, you must come with us to the Times. I just found out Burger King gave money in support of Prop 8."

"Hold up! She can't come," Henna Placenta spat out. "She's not even gay."

"Maybe not. But I am a beard for hire," said Loosey Poosey. Then pointing to Little Chicken she added, "And I'm his capon hag.

"Good enough for me," chirped Turkey Workout.

"Loosey Poosey," said Little Chicken, "they say heterosexual marriage is more legit than homosexual marriage!"

And with that Little Chicken flipped, Henna Placenta cracked, Turkey Workout flexed, Loosey Poosey tried very hard to not lay an egg and they all exclaimed in unison,"The lie is galling. The lie is galling!!"

"I will go with you to the Times to expose Burger King," said Loosey Poosey. "Just let me find someplace to lay an egg."

"Starbucks is near by," offered Turkey Workout still hoping to get that latte.

"We don't have the time," groused Henna Placenta. "You'll have to cop a squat behind that tree."

Shorty after Loosey Poosey laid her egg, the four continued on their journey, when they bumped into Rocky Cocky, Lucky Phucky, and Moe the Moo Cow coming out of the Pleasure Chest. Surprisingly, it didn't take long to convince the threeway to join them on their journey, considering they had just purchased new sex toys and Ukrainian porn.

"Of course," said Rocky Cocky.

"Lead the way," said Lucky Phucky.

"Moe," lowed Moe the Moo Cow.

"No, Moe, it's Moo," said Lucky Phucky gently. "Try it again."

Moe the Moo Cow took in a deep breath, and with all the concentration he could muster, "MOE!"

The others looked on with confusion. "Moe has a speech impediment," Lucky Phucky explained.

While Moe was practicing his moo, Turkey Workout sidled up to Rocky Cocky and said, "Looks like you were enhanced at the Pleasure Chest."

"What do you mean?" asked Rocky Cocky.

Turkey Workout answered the question by glancing down to Rocky Cocky's bulging crotch. Nonplussed, Rocky Cocky said, "Dude, that's not enhancement, that's me. One hundred percent Rocky Cocky." And he strutted away leaving Turkey Workout looking down at his less than stellar rocky cocky.

Once the speech therapy and dick wagging were over with Little Chicken said, "They say heterosexual marriage is more legit than homosexual marriage."

And with that, Little Chicken flipped, Henna Placenta cracked, Turkey Workout flexed, Loosey Poosey felt another egg coming on, Rocky Cocky adjusted himself, Lucky Phucky watched Rocky Cocky adjust himself, Moe the Moo Cow popped his cud and they all said, "The lie is galling. The lie is galling!!" All except for Moe the Moo Cow who said something that sounded like, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling!!" Which, of course makes no sense whatsoever.

At that moment a sleek limo pulled right in front of them and the passenger who stepped out seemed disappointed there was no paparazzi.

"Look," said Little Chicken, "It's that actor."

Turkey Workout squealed like a girl. "Which actor?"

Little Chicken excitedly regaled, "The one who was on that medical show. You know, he got fired and had to go into anger management classes. He called one of his cast mates a faggot, when in reality..."

"He's a closet case," Henna Placenta cut him off.

"Oh, now I remember," said Turkey Workout. "What's his name?"

"Foxy Detoxy," said Loosey Poosey dreamily, her egg slipping.

Then Little Chicken did the boldest thing of his life. He approached Foxy Detoxy and blurted out, "Hey, Foxy Detoxy, I'm Little Chicken and these are my friends, Henna Placenta, Turkey Workout, Loosey Poosey, Rocky Cocky, Lucky Phucky and Moe the Moo Cow."

Moe the Moo Cow nodded his head in acknowledgement, "MOE."

"It's moo, Moe," Lucky Phucky gently corrected.

Little Chicken continued, "We found out Burger King gave money in support of Prop 8. Now, we're on our way to the Times and we sure could use some star power."

"Not to mention the limo," added Henna Placenta.

"Hey guys," warned Cocky Rocky adjusting himself, "I think you should listen to me. And not just because I'm well endowed, but because I'm a Rhodes Scholar as well. For reasons far too obvious to mention I don't think it's a good idea to enlist help from Foxy Botoxy."

"That's Detoxy," said the actor. "Foxy Botoxy is that bottle blond country western singer who warbles about Jolene. And there's no reason to worry about me. After my anger management therapy, I became Hindu. Also I'm a vegan. So unless you're Tofurky, you're perfectly safe."

Everyone involuntarily looked at Turkey Workout who misinterpreted the cue and cried out, "Why are you looking at me? Just because I have bulging thighs that can crack walnuts doesn't mean I've done steroids." His voice went up an octave. "Well, I haven't I tell you. I haven't! Some people have small dicks naturally."

This caused the group to look at Rocky Cocky's crotch, which caused him to get a slight pudgy, which made Loosey Poosey think it was time to lay another egg, but instead she just passed some evil smelling egg gas, which caused Moe the Moo Cow to "Moe," and Lucky Phucky to correct, "Moo."

When the ruckus settled down and the egg gas dissipated, Foxy Detoxy said, "You birds are behind the eight ball."

Moe the Moo Cow stomped his hoof demanding recognition.

"Sorry." apologized Foxy Detoxy. "You birds and bovine are behind the eight ball."

Moe moed, accepting the apology.

"Homosexuals already are banning many restaurants who donated money to stop gay marriage," said Foxy Detoxy.

Little Chicken said, "You mean, it's not just Burger King?"

"Of course not. There's also Outback Steakhouse, Acapulco, Chevy's, El Coyote, Yard House, El Pollo Loco."

A distinctive pall fell over the group. Finally Little Chicken spoke in a breathy whisper, "Did you say El Pollo Loco?"

"Yes," said Foxy Detoxy. "It was my favorite place until the ban was implemented. Why do you think I became vegan?"

Then there was a cacophony of lament: "Not El Pollo Loco." "I have it for dinner once a week." "I have it for dinner every night." "I have it for breakfast." "This is upsetting." "I'm sure I need to lay another egg." "Their chicken is so tender." "So juicy." "It's char broiled, not fried." "MOE!" "That's moo." "So much better than KFC." "I'm a chicken and I love El Pollo Loco." "Cannibal."

And they all just stood there, not sure what to do next. Surprisingly, it was Turkey Workout who broke the silence, "Sorry, if I caused a scene back there. I may as well admit that I've been taking...antihistamines, yeah that's it, antihistamines...and I haven't had a thing to eat all day. Why don't we grab a late lunch?"

"But where?" asked Henna Placenta cracking her knuckles. "All my favorite places are banned."

"Well then," said Turky Workout, "what do you say we all go for a latte? My treat."

And that's how Little Chicken, Henna Placenta, Turkey Workout, Loosey Poosey, Rocky Cocky, Lucky Phucky, Moe the Moo Cow and Foxy Detoxy ended up at Starbucks in the middle of the day, distracting themselves from the ban. But they all secretly knew, deep in their hearts, that some day, perhaps even tomorrow, they will ignore ban and once again experience the succulence that is El Pollo Loco.

This, of course, is a parable. My son, Sebastian, wants El Pollo Loco chicken EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and sometimes for breakfast. It's one of the three things he eats. And I hate to admit it, but at times I succumb.

El Pollo Loco donated $6,000 dollars to Yes on 8, more than any other restaurant contributor. So, because of my child, I close my eyes to the cause, butch up and cross the line. Oh, the shame of it. But guess what's for dinner tonight. That's right. Better dig my plaid lumberjack shirt out of the hamper.

16 comments:

Michel said...

hahaha! That story was awesome. Well said!

Gaston Studio said...

Excellent parable! Sometimes we have to do what we have to do!

~Just me again~ said...

Very well said!

Bella Daddy said...

LORDY! I hung on EVERY word...frikkin LOVED IT!

THANKS!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

As the end came near, I could almost get through the list of names without laughing out loud!!

You are evil. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Grannie

only a movie said...

*capon hag* - you are hysterical. Very well done.

Kristina said...

Brilliant! Just freakin' brilliant!
And yes, only you could come up with "capon hag."

Sharon said...

OMG--just OMG. too too too

Steely Dad said...

Well written story! Seriously, though, if you stopped to think about banning certain businesses because of the political stances they take, you'd starve, wouldn't have anything in your house and you'd be dependent on public transportation. Sometimes it's the "parent" companies that do the deed and we're none the wiser. It sucks but it's the truth.

kkryno said...

The things we will do out of love for our kids!

Charmaine said...

I have a story about prop 8 to tell. It involves mayhem, jailtime and beating up seniors in Carlsbad, CA.

You and I know why people get so angry. You and I know what homophobia is. I think. You know, right?

hee hee

i am the diva said...

HILARIOUS!

The Renaissance Chick said...

Bravo! Bravo! I am giving you a standing ovulation...I mean ovation!

Malisa

Thalia said...

If you look at El Pollo Loco's website, they said that they did not support Proposition 8, that it was one employee who gave money to support Proposition 8, and that they supported equal rights for all. I guess you can eat El Pollo Loco guiltfree now!

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