Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Bad Mommy 1 & 2: Tooth and Consequences

Bad Mommy is new feature of Mommy With a Penis. It will show up sporadically, at my whim, and share fucked up mommy moments. Maybe they will be my own personal tales. Maybe they will be stories from the news. Or maybe certifiable celebrities like Britney or Jacko will do something even more outrageously stupid than driving with baby in front seat, or baby dangling over balcony. Whatever the story, whoever the parent, this column is dedicated to illuminating the bad mommy in us all. But just in case it gets a bit too real, I have DCFS on speed dial.

Sebastian's second tooth came out. We oohed and aahed, got him excited about the Tooth Fairy, placed it under his pillow, and then promptly forgot to do the switch. You should have seen his fallen face the next morning, lone baby tooth in his outstretched hand. Somehow without coffee in my system my mind was surprisingly quick. I explained that the Tooth Fairy doesn't work full time, only Monday, Wednesday, Friday. "Put your tooth back under your pillow and I'm sure by tomorrow morning you'll have your money. Pancakes for breakfast?" That seemed to appease him. You better believe I wrote a pithy note to myself, "REMEMBER! TOOTH! ASSHOLE!"

Sebastian got two dollars from the Tooth Fairy. I decided this was enough because the first go around he promptly lost the money. I know friends who give their rugrats twenty bills! Isn't that a bit extreme? Especially in the economic crisis. I bet those parents will sing a different tune when they get their share of the bill for the octuplets' health care...


*****

I have purposely stayed out of the Octuplet Mommy controversy. I remained silent when I found out she used $100,000 from an on-the-job back injury to pay for fertilization treatments, instead of taking care of the six children she already has, three of which have special needs. I didn't say a word when I found out she is still living with her parents in a four room house, and her very own mother on national television said she didn't know what her daughter was doing. But when I heard she didn't have a job or health insurance, my lips became unBenjamin buttoned.

She cannot afford these kids! And because of that we will all have to pay!

I may have sniggered at Angelina, made fun of Mia Farrow for their at-home soccer teams. BUT THEY CAN AFFORD THEM! They even adopted some of theirs, being part of the solution of our overcrowded planet. But not Octomom...

Kaiser Permanente's tab for giving quality health care to these premature children is estimated at a million plus, perhaps two million. Octomommy can't pay it, of course. So, Kaiser has asked for reimbursement from Medi-Cal. From the state. Taxpayers, close your eyes and open your coffers.

Then, and I love this, Octomother says she has some secret source of income that will take her till September, when she will enter school. And then she plans to use student loan money to take care of her kids!!??!? WHAT! The children's outspoken grandmother says she already uses her entire retirement check to take care of the original six. But no Welfare for this Octopussy (you knew I was going to use it.) She's a proud woman who doesn't seem to have any problem making use of any other governmental hand out she can get her hands on.

Actually, when I step back and take a breath, it is a nifty little idea. I might just traipse on down to the Jaguar dealership, roll off the lot with a spanking new XKR, telling them the next guy will pay for it. Or better yet, Jaguar can take it as a loss and be reimbursed with bailout money, or stimulus package, or whatever we're calling it. Sweet.

A letter...

Dear Octo Mommy. Fourteen children. Fourteen! All with specific needs and desires. They will want the Tooth Fairy to visit. And Santa Clause. And the Easter Bunny. They will want the occasional Hot Wheel and Hello Kitty barrette. They will want trips to the zoo. And the aquarium. And sunny days in the park. (Good God, your stroller will be a double wide, your diaper bag a steamer trunk.) They will crave gymnastics and ballet and soccer and karate and violin and theatre. They will want treats. Favorite books. Special costume pieces that don't smell like the Goodwill bin. They will want unending hugs and kisses and rolls around the floor, and silly time, and ATTENTION.

There is no way in hell they can get these simple things from you. And I'm not even talking about a larger place to live, or educational funds, or beds, or three squares, or heat, or waste removal. So, you can talk food stamps and Social Security and student loans and your mother's retirement checks and Medi-Cal all you like. But in the end I bet formula to Pull-ups that the good citizens of California end up paying for your children's Tooth Fairy.

10 comments:

(F)redddy said...

First, and most importantly, when you fail as a parent, you fail HARD! FORGOT THE TOOTH FAIRY?!? SHAME SHAME SHAME (SCL)! The fairy better hit it big tonight, and I'm talking ten spot big!

Second, I'm amazed at the dialogue Octomommy has started, and I think it's brilliant. I'm of two mindsets here, and I'm sure one of my opinions will piss some people off. First, I'm not even a Californian and I'm outraged with this woman. The fact that y'all are getting IOU's from the California gov. for your income tax checks this year because there's no money in the system to pay y'all back your money while they're having to pay for this woman's medical bills and STANDARD OF LIVING is out-fucking-rageous. My initial reaction, gut feeling, is that if California is going to have to pay for the children anyway, they may as well take them into state custody and put them in foster care. Like I said, they'll be (already are) paid for by governement money, they should be taken care of by people the state already pay. I scoffed when she told Ann Curry she planned to use her student loan money to help pay for the kids. A) How big is her student loan. B) How will she, then, pay for school if she's used her money on her kids. I have ONE kid in diapers ($28/pack of 34) that lasts me about a week (cuz he's three...DON'T JUDGE ME ON MY TOILET TRAINING SKILLS!). When he was a newborn, he went through a pack of diapers every two days ($56). SHE'S GOT EIGHT FUCKING NEW BORNS! The diapers alone are going to eat up her student loans. Not to mention FORMULA. A CAN of formula costs $30. I went through NINE CANS A MONTH. She's surely not going to be able to breast feed all these kids, how the hell will she FEED THEM?

BUT, point two. As much as I hate this See You Next Tuesday, as a nation we'll tread down a slippery slope if she's made an example of. It's so very important to keep government out of our personal choices (even IF the choices are ridiculous as hers). We can't say "3 children are too much", "8 children are many". "14 children are too many". We just can't have that written in the books and decided by an arbitrary body of governement. I think what we can, and should, do is say, "You need government assistance, fine. We'll help you up to a point. If you cross X line, then you're on your own". And clearly, this crazy bitch has crossed a line. Hell, she crossed it 10 kids ago.

Great post, even if you fail as a fairy! :-)

Book Dads said...

We've forgotten the tooth fairy twice now, and the third time I managed to sneak in a buck while I was trying to drag him out of bed in the morning.

Bella Daddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bella Daddy said...

GOOD LAWD! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this blog...KUDOS! Being a "former actor/entertainter/whatever"...I adore having a captive audience now...not a bad justification for having a kid eh? LOL....Looking forward to keeping in touch!

Daddy, PaPa, & Bella

Jed said...

Great blog! I can totally see us doing the M-W-F Tooth Fairy bit too.

Jason Mayo said...

I admit it's been awhile since i've visited your blog but I have to say i'm hooked again. you're fucking spot on. great stuff. the M W F had me laughing out loud on the train tonight. fuck octopussy, she's insane. wait, don't fuck her, she'll be stuck with another kid... you rock...

lilaphase said...

Great blog! We have forgotten the tooth fairy so much that my son now thinks it's supposed to take a week before the money appears.

Jason Mayo said...

btw... you just made the much coveted Out-Numbered blogroll with this post... :-)

Sarah T. said...

I love Bad Mommy!

Diana - FreeStyleMama said...

Great post!