The V Word

Don't be so cocksure you know what this is about. The title might refer to vermicelli. Although that seems highly unlikely. Or it could be about a vasectomy. Surely the cringe factor alone warrants the coded "V word." Or this could be about Versailles Village or vacuum vibrators or Vince Vaughn or...or...or...

Or your original suspicions are correct. This does pertain to that V word...

Vestal virgin? Vice versa? Vampyre Vodka?

When I was a little boy, Mother told me that I tinkled out of my do-do. (Not pronounced like the extinct bird, but rather like the extinct bird's excrement.) No matter. Either pronunciation when referring to the male phallus seems pretty silly today. Most parents I know label it unapologetically. The penis is the penis is the penis, plain and simple. And the girly stuff is...

Ventricular valve? Viper venom? Video verité?

I don't recall being aware of the word penis until sex ed in junior high. My school separated the girls from the boys. We had Mr. Lyons as our teacher, a slight man with Ricky Ricardo hair. Each boy was encouraged to write a question on a piece of paper that would go into a hat. Then Mr. Lyons would truthfully answer them. ANY QUESTION. I couldn't write anything. I was mortified. I barely moved. I figured if I sat really still maybe even I wouldn't notice I was there.

Mr. Lyons put on his game face and pulled the first piece of paper. "What does fuck mean?" Neither did he show embarrassment nor any glint of mischievousness. His answer was precise. It was delivered with the dryness of a dissertation on the use of the swastika in architecture pre World War II. "Fuck is a vulgar word that pertains to the sexual act." He didn't falter. He was probably a terrific gambler. He pulls another piece of paper. "Do fuck and intercourse mean the same thing?" A moment. "With intercourse, there is an emotional connection..." He could see he was loosing us. "Yes, pretty much the same thing."

On and on it went. Fuck making a regular appearance. I don't recall any questions about genitalia. Nothing about penises. And certainly nothing about...

Vincent van Gogh? Vietnam vet? Veal vindaloo?

As a matter of fact, the only other question I remember was, "Will our armpit hair be the same as Louis Rivera's Afro?" The words out of Mr. Lyons's mouth before he knew what he was saying. He stumbled. The only question to crack his verile veneer.

Violet vendetta? Ventriloquist voice? Vicky Vale?

Even after that, I don't remember calling my penis a penis. And I definitely did not to refer to it as do-do anymore. Can you imagine the ridicule? It wasn't shlong, nor cock, nor pud. Not johnson, prick, family jewels, balls, nuts, salami, member. Even dick would catch in the back of my throat. Don't be smutty. I couldn't use Dick because it's my dad's name. It's ironic, even though it was becoming an important part of my life, I probably refrained from referring to it as much as possible.

I don't know what Mother taught my sisters to call their...

Virginia vulture?

If penis was do-do, I can only imagine the cutesy nomenclature she applied to female parts. Hoo-ha? Woo-Woo?

Vesuvius volcano? Volleyball victory? Viennese valtz?

Here's the thing, mommies, and anyone else who would care to field this one, my two-year-old daughter is potty training and that is foreign territory, so I need advice. For instance, what do you say when teaching your girl child to wipe? "Fold the toilet paper and wipe your..."

Vivian Vance?

Because I stumble. I cannot say...

Violin virtuoso?

And it's not because I'm one of those queens who goes into convulsions at the mere mention of...

Venetian villas?

No, my stalling has to do with what I learned in Mr. Lyons's class. I may have been mortified, but I was a mortified sponge. I soaked in all the information. And as I recall, the female is more evolved down below than the male. The penis is both reproductive and voider of urine. (Makes you wonder how clean your man's picante pepperoni really is.) But the woman has a vast vestibule with two distinct ducts: one for pee pee and of course the...

Velvet vixen?

Here's the crux of the matter, mommies, what should we call our daughter's pee pee opening? They deserve the correct terminology, don't they? According to Gray's Anatomy, the medical text not the tv show, it is labeled as the urethral duct. But, come on! "Fold the toilet paper and pat your urethral duct." Even the cutesified "ri-ri" defeats the purpose of being informative parents. Help me, mommies. We have to find some word for the pee pee duct. Because technically, it is NOT what Grey's Anatomy, the McJuggernaut not the tome, refers to it as va-jay-jay.

Vaudevillian villain? Varicellazoster virus? Valencia, Venezuela? Vasili Vasilievich Vereshchagin? Valentine verse? Vineyard vines? Vaux le Vicomte? Vascular varicose veins?

Until I hear back from you, I have a solution. The two must be differentiated, so I propose we use both "the V word" and "the C word."

Va-va-voom? Carol Channing?

I know some of you will take umbrage with my brazenness...and my verbose vernacular...but this is for the best. If it's in reference to sex, the vagina. And instead of urethral duct, let's just bite the bullet and jointly agree to call the pissing place the cooter.