Mommy with a Penis

Yesterday, in Maxie's cubby at school, there were two soiled pairs of panties, two soiled pairs of pants and a soiled pair of lavender boots. Don't even ask how she urinated into her footwear. This isn't a total surprise. Maxie has had problems holding it in. I've brought up my concerns with her doctor and she tells me there's nothing to worry about, my daughter's bladder isn't growing at the same rate that she is. I don't know if that makes total sense, but I'm appeased for now. I thought Maxie was going to be a savant on the toilet. When she and I first started pre preschool ( pre pre, isn't it precious) my daughter was the only child not wearing a Pull-Up or diaper. Boy, didn't I feel superior watching the other parents fret about the school's rule that all children must be potty trained before they enter day classes. But once we graduated pre pre and entered half-day, Maxie has peed herself on occasion and overnight I became the fret...

"Honey, there's a naked man in our bed." This is the hackneyed dialog you'd expect in an X-rated movie. But the other night, my husband proffered that tantalizing hors d'oeuvre as I was twittering at the kitchen table. Three possible reads on this statement: 1) My husband is kidding around. 2) He's delusional and should get himself some professional help. 3) There actually is a naked man in our bed. With everything I've written about Michael, it's not difficult to imagine that either number one or number two was the correct interpretation. But, in fact, a naked man was in our bed. Now, you'd expect your average X-rated movie hunk, the kind who suddenly appears in random beds, to be youngish, about six foot four, two hundred twenty pounds with a handsome mug. And as it happens, this fellow, who I'll call Buff for reasons of anonymity and perverse pleasure, was all those things; a glorious specimen of male pulchritude sprawled belly down on my ...

My one man show, Mommy With a Penis , is back on the boards! From adoption hiccups, to choosing the right baby name, to dealing with my daughter's kinky hair, Mommy With a Penis delves into my personal experiences as mommy. Enter into my wacky world where sometimes this happens... And this... And even this... For those of you not in the loop, I first mounted MWAP last June for the Hollywood Fringe Festival. I was then asked to participate in Theatre Asylum's The Best of the Fringe. And now, my good friend Kimleigh Smith (the superhero in the poster below) has put together an event called Delicious , which is comprised of six solo shows including her own, which won Best of the Fringe last year. I will be sharing my evenings with my good friend Ramsey Brown, who is performing her hysterically funny show, Killing It . (Ramsey is the sluttishly dressed blond in the poster.) For those of you in the Los Angeles area, the pertinent info is as follows... From potty training to the ca...

Last week, Sebastian came home with only one piece of homework...learning The Pledge of Allegiance by heart. Bash was going to lead the school in a special assembly. It was his job to tell the students, "Please stand, face the flag, place your right hand over your heart and repeat after me..." This was for the Martin Luther King, Jr celebration in the Michael Jackson Auditorium. I thought it would be a great idea if Michael worked with Bash on his memorization, after all he directs theater. But because of his atheism and aversion to the concept of God , my husband told me he'd prefer not to. But I convinced Michael that Sebastian's success in this endeavor was bigger than his newly stringent beliefs, and rightly or wrongly he bought it. I did notice as Michael was going over the pledge with Sebastian, he'd conveniently omit the phrase "under God" probably confusing the poor child. On Friday, Michael went to the morning performance and I attended the aft...

Hey, you're fat. Yeah, you. Reading this blog right now. You are really incredibly fat...and kinda stupid. And to top it off, you stink. *** This last year... Sharron Angle flirted with gun imagery. "If this congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies." In speaking out against the President's plan to reduce global warming, Michele Bachmann said she wanted her state "armed and dangerous" on this issue. She then went on to say, "We the people are going to have to fight back hard if we are not going to lose our country." Bachmann also quoted Thomas Jefferson, "Having a revolution every now and then is a good thing." Last year, Sarah Palin posted the following graphic on her website... The shotgun-like crosshairs represent the "20 House Democrats who voted for the health care bill from districts the Republicans carried in 2008." It turns out Palin is also fond of gun imagery.....

"Papa, where is the pink?" "What do you mean, darling?" "The pink crayon. There's no pink." "Here, let me look." And, indeed, as I burrow through a Ziploc full of crayons from all walks of life, I slowly come to the realization that there are no pink crayons. This is impossible. My children get refills of crayons regularly; those boxes of thirty-two or sixty-four, or the crappy packets of three given to us by restaurant hostesses. Doesn't matter their origin, they all go into the Ziploc, because crayon boxes under my children's gripping hands crumple and rip almost immediately, rendering them useless. "I have no idea where the pink is? Wait a minute, are you hording them?" "No, Papa. We're out of pink! We need more pink!!" "Okay, don't freak out. Papa, will get you some pink." But where did those crayons go? Are they off somewhere with the missing pair of house keys? Gallivanting with my Grumpy ba...