Shit Creek

I am up Shit Creek. No exag. I'm doing what everyone else is doing, running around in my little hampster wheel feeling as if I'm making headway, but in reality I'm in the same plastic habitat with wood chips strewn about. I mean, can it really be October?

This week was picture week at my son's school. We always have to pack an extra shirt in his backpack, because invariably his pics are shot after lunch. I get his teeth brushed, my husband combs his hair. (But really, if his shots are after lunch, what's the point?) We tell him once again what to expect and with an air of professionalism he says, "Will they take only one picture or is this a photo shoot?"

Well, excuse me, Miss Desmond. I didn't know you were so particular about your close up.

Living pert near on top of Hollywood has been a concern. I don't want my kids to be Southern Californian cliches, acting as if they just stepped out of the movie Clueless. I don't want them all knowing about the business, and blase about reality. I want our kids to be normal, everyday, dirt kicking kids. Photo shoot? Where did he get that?

Two weeks ago, my three year old daughter was having a time of it. She'd cry if the sheets on her bed didn't match her pillow case, or her underwear had the wrong cartoon character on it. Stuff like that. Well, one morning, she broke out into huge sobs. Out of her line of vision I raised my eyes pleading, please don't let this episode go on for forty-five minutes. I readjusted my expression to one of ultimate mommy concern and went to her. And she said to me, "My vagina hurts and I need my nails done!"

If this is the problem at three, what can I expect at thirteen? This complaint did two things. It pointed out to me that we had no idea what we were getting into when we wanted to adopt a girl child. And is it too late to give her back? Okay, I admit, that last query was fantasy. And I'm probably projecting the teenage horrors to come. It's just that Maxie isn't necessarily a breezy spring drizzle when she's unhappy, oh no, she's a category five hurricane with a tsunami chaser.

My husband has been putting a lot of pressure on himself. The fate of the world weighs heavily between his scapulae. It's money. It's job. It's lack of artistic expression. It's diminished residual pay for work on NCIS for $56.13. Consequently, he doesn't sleep well. He's a tosser, a turner, a talker, and a grinder. Thus, I wake up as if I've been caned, with neck pains and backaches.

Perhaps we are all going through stages. Perhaps they will pass. Perhaps Bill Maher is the true Prophet. All I know, is that I will escape today. I will finish this entry and drive south on Interstate 5, to a coastal hotel where I will be pampered. It's my birthday and I have a couple of kinks to get rid of.

And when I return, Shit Creek may have receded. Maybe not. Either way, I will be rested and prepared. I will smell of lavender and bring a paddle.


I love this story, so funny. Your munchkins are adorable. I love the photoshoot comment, hilarious! Keep up the great work!
Anonymous said…
Very funny the "my vagina hurts and I need my nails done" I have a pint sized drama queen too. two of them actually. Happy Birthday, enjoy your day :)
Sue said…
Happy Birthday and have a wonderful time away from Shit Creek! I think that damn creek has been full and high all year long. Time to see it dry up, don't you think?
loveandbooze said…
Happy Birthday!

Oh girls really aren't that bad! lol... My advice? Move to NORTHERN California! That's a much better place to raise kids, and in case you are wondering I am not at all biased by the fact I am from Nor Cal.

Good luck! It sounds like you have a paddle in Shit Creek though.
thetotalfemme said…
After a little LOL episode from reading this post, my mind turns to something that has been on it for some time, which is: what will the children do when they read this stuff when they're older? Kill us? Will they read it? Mine are kind of disguised as in faux names, but it probably wouldn't be that hard to figure us out. Who we are in reality, I mean. See, mine are 13 and 10 and in about 2 seconds will be way more computer savvy than I'll ever be. Something to ponder, indeed -- whose stories are these, anyway? But for now: HAPPY BIRTHDAY and enjoy being pampered!

Happy Birthday and enjoy!
They say if the toddler years are more "emotional," then adolescence won't be as bad. I have 2 girls and that has proved true. One was angelic until 8 and then wham. The other was the tantrum queen, and while she's still emotional, she's much calmer. In response to the above comment, I find my kids (22, 18 and 13) realize motherhood so overlaps with their personal lives, that as long as I'm discreet and change a few things, they realize they will be written about. As, no doubt, they'll write about us in one fashion or another.
Cassie said…
Happy Birthday.
Joanie M said…
Happy Birthday! Here's a paddle.

Oh, and I totally spit coffee on my monitor when I read the vagina comment. It's ok. It needed to be cleaned anyway.
CSY said…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm SO jealous! You get to relax and get pampered for your birthday...I get to have a back proceedure the day AFTER mine!

LOVE the vagina and nails done! So like a girl! Good luck with that! Mine is 12 going 30!
Melissa said…
"My vagina hurts and I need my nails done!"
HAHAHA!!! I literally said this out loud after I read it! Your children sound so fun!
Happy Birthday!
And good luck with shit creek...
Stacy said…
Loved this post. Can you send me an extra paddle? I need one..preferably lavender scented.
Happy Birthday! Go get oiled, lavendered and relaxed! Oh, and please get that baby girl's nails done! It is hard to be a diva while in pain and unpampered! :)

C said…
happy birthday, fella! may it be a very love filled day... you deserve it. hey, it's not just you, it is actually hard to be a mommy...
you kidlets sound adorable!

The Good Cook said…
Photo shoot and nails done... littles are amazing creatures are they not?

On a side note: what up with her vagina hurting? She very well could have a yeast infection Daddy - check her little supergirl undies for discharge and ask her lots of questions.. sorry to go serious but we females are a complicated bunch when it comes to plumbing issues.

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