The other day, my three year old daughter said, "Papa, I like your penis." Lately I've tried to be more gracious when receiving praise, but somehow saying thank you seemed entirely wrong. Likewise, returning the compliment, "And honey, I like your vagina," was completely out of the question. I'm doing my best not to read too much into this statement. Oh, who am I fooling? I'm trying not to freak the fuck out.

But when I slow down and put it in perspective, I realize that yesterday she said, "I like your glasses," followed by "I like your big teeth." So very possibly she's in an I like phase. Even still, "I like boy" was only last month and her progression to "I like your penis" is alarming.

We're pretty free and loose with nudity in our house. We toss off penis and vagina in the same blase manner as if we were saying nose or elbow. We want our children to feel comfortable with their bodies, and yet we remind, "That is for you to touch and no one else." Free and easy but keep your knees together. Could signals be any more crossed?

We didn't call it a penis when I was growing up. My mother gave it the unfortunate moniker of do do. (Sounding like the opposite of don't don't, rather than the extinct bird.) Mom is a self proclaimed prude and after she taught my brother and I what to call it and where to pee with it, I don't recall her discussing anything below the waist until I was going through puberty.

I was in junior high when she gave me a book entitled Boys and Sex. She wanted me to read it and ask her questions. Instead I hid it behind my Hardy Boys collection. But she was really excited to be helping me through this stage of my life so she kept after me to read the book. After putting her off for a couple of weeks I thought the matter closed, but Sally had bigger plans. She wanted to invite the author over to our house, along with some of my friends and their fathers, and have a Boys and Sex workshop. Thankfully, my father is as private as I am when it comes to matters of the do do.

Could you imagine? Sitting around with your friends talking about the changes in you body. Nothing could have been more mortifying, except perhaps if my mother were to have walked in on me while I was stroking Mr. Happy. Oh, wait a minute. That did happen. Pounding the pudding, choking the chicken, Morking the Mindy. I've all but blocked out that memory. Wetting your Willie, whacking the weasel, making the bald man cry. The scar it left goes deep. Greasing the flagpole, making a banana split, firing the Surgeon-General. She quickly closed the door and then talked through it as if nothing had happened, "What sounds good for dinner?"

"You know what sounds good, how about leaving me alone!"

The next time I was aware that my parents were aware I had a penis was in my mid teens. I walked out of the shower and my dad was there. He looked at me with what felt like pride. His oldest was becoming an adult. I was okay with the unspoken father son moment, but about a week later my mother said, "Your dad says you have a bigger do do than he does."

A temporary amnesia set in. I have no idea how I responded but I would like to think I had the balls to have said, "Back off, Mrs. Robinson!" In reality, I probably scrambled around like a hamster in a plastic ball trying to escape, but bumping into furniture instead.

Then today, as if to say I want to be part of this blog entry too, my son came into the kitchen totally naked with a partial woody and he said with gleeful pride, "Look, Papa, my penis is pointing." I acknowledged that it was indeed pointing and he left the room.

This brings to mind a moment when he was three (I'm sure the topic of many therapy sessions to come) and I came bursting into his room to put clothes away. Sebastian was lying on his bed fondling himself. Frank your Sinatra, strangling the spitting cobra, Impeaching Tricky Dick. And he yelled at me with disdain, "Look what you did, Papa, you made it go down."

I wanted to tell him, that yes, there will be certain disappointments. It's easy to get hung up on cock sure ideals, however don't let your ego get pricked.

But instead, I did what I was taught. I pretended not to notice, left his room and through a closed door asked him what he wanted for dinner.


ege said…
Man, Mommy, I am so glad I found you!

(I was all set to say "Morking the Mindy? That's one I haven't heard!" but then you provided me with six or eight more I've never heard. So thanks for them, too.)
Sarah said…
excellent!!! those kids are so lucky to have you as one of their mommies :)
Joanie M said…
I am laughing out loud, reading your post! Not a good idea, since I'm sitting in Burger King, with their free wifi. LOL

Oh man! Did you bring me back to my pre-teen days and the sex education my mother instilled in me. "Look for blood on your underwear." That was it. Imagine my surprise when it returned, month after month for the next 40 years (minus the 3 times I was opregnant!)

Once I learned about sex, from my th grade friends, I was completely grossed out that my parents did that 8 times! LOL!!!
Yankee Girl said…
I really hope I can be an open parent. I think your approach is amazing. Now you will most likely have two kids who will be comfortable enough to talk to you about anything.

That'll come in handy in their teen years.
~Just me again~ said…
Very good. I remember when my kid was 2 she went in to use the toilet, when her dad was in the shower, he didnt know she was there. He opened the curtain and saw her....and thought omg now what? So he acted casually, not really knowing what to say. Lol then she asked him why he had a tail. He was just happy she thought it was long enough to consider it a tail. ;) LOL, sorry had to share that, it was funny.
Woman with kids said…
My boys once had a conversation (at dinner, lovely) about what to do when their penis (penises? peni?) gets hard at night. Boy 1 told Boy 2 he just rolls over onto it and it goes away after a while. Boy 2 was fine with that answer.

I just sat at the table being the only girl in the house. And 'pounding the pudding'? Never heard it
How funny! We have very frank and candid conversations around here too...and the hardest part is not laughing out loud!

My little girl asked my mother-in-law (they were visiting from out of state) at the dinner table what color her vagina was. Without missing a beat, my MIL said, "That's a great question. What color is yours?" to which my 3 yr old responded, "Mine is flesh colored." My MIL said, "Mine is too!" and that was that.


So...what DID you say when complimented on your penis by your daughter!? ;)
OMG...this is too funny!!
You guys and your "kick stands"! :)

I was laughing through this entire post. I think I have penis envy...LOL

Great read!!
ciara said…
oy! this had me laughing so hard. i have never caught my son doing that stuff thank goodness. even as open-minded and liberal as i am, i'd prob just close the door and ask what to do for dinner,too lol
surprised mom said…
I really needed a laugh tonight. THANK YOU for providing it. I like the fact that you talk casually with your kids and call body parts the correct name. I've heard so many. My SIL called her son's penis his "dee dee." What?!?
Walking in on your children masturbating. It's what's for dinner. LOL
Shana said…
You rock, you really do.
"Pounding the pudding" and about half of them I have never heard of!!
JonnyTam13 said…
Oh man that was a great post! I'm laughing my ass off, and deathly afraid of the time my daughter says something like that to me!
Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it. :)

Once my son marched out of his room with a woody and complained, "Daddy, it won't go down!" Unfortunately, I burst out laughing.
BellaDaddy said…
Oor family was pretty non-descript...and I remember my father calling it something totally whacked out...(get it, whacked out?)..nevermind...I thought it was called a hock-a-lilly till I was in the 3rd grade...and I have 9 brothers and one sister...Damn this was a frikkin hystercial post!

The open-ness and honesty is really nice... until they become older teens, that is! My daughters are 18 & 19 and, boy! do we ever have *some* conversations around here!!! My 19 yo is nicknamed Bunny, and is THAT ever appropriate! Her boyfriend, also 19, and she are like damn rabbits! And I get to hear about it! They're almost into BDSM.

And my 18 yo? She's been dating the same boy (19 yo) for over 2 years, and now they are dabbling in swinging! (And you *know* I don't mean that thing in the park!)

The three of us girls went on a 4 hour trip the other month, and they talked about their sex lives the ENTIRE trip!

Yes, I wanted to be open and honest with them, and yes I wanted them to be liberated in their sexuality (i.e. no guilt, etc), but DAY-UM, I think this is just a *little* too much information!!!
Thank you for the gut-wrenching laughter! That was awesome!

As a mom to four boys, I can thoroughly relate to all the awkward moments. WOW! There are a lot of them.

We're a very candid family, so it's no hold barred around here. Everything is open for discussion, and modesty takes the back seat.

Just when I thought I've heard it all, along comes this post.

I loved your closing, bringing it back to your mother's reaction to you. We are our parent's children, aren't we?

BTW, you forgot to mention Shaking hands with the next govenor ;o)
I think it's so great. We've always been open like that here, and now the kids are older and they do share and ask stuff I wish I'd had someone to ask at their age.
Go Daddy!
Brian H said…
My four year old daughter wants to know why boys get "tails" and girls get "two butts".

I let the wife take that one.
Anonymous said…
Funny post! I love your stories and really love your blog! :)
Amy said…
*sigh* I try to be so cool about these things in front of the kids, but find I'm doing the Mommy Freakout inside sometimes. Like the time I walked into the bathroom and found my three year old boy with a pained expression on his face. Upon asking what the matter was, he said, "I squeezed my penis and it hurted my head."
Anonymous said…
your the cool mammy you have the great baby with you

Free Satellite TV
Me said…
We teach our kids the proper names of body parts as well. We also taught them what parts are private and no one else is allowed to touch them. I realized we didn't explain what private totaly meant well enough when my one son went up to a total stranger, put his hands on her breasts, and asked, "Are your breasts private like my mommy's?"

Luckily she had a good sense of humor.
Chris Hoke said…
This is a post of pure awesome. Just thought you should know.
Edward said…
Wonderfully amusing post and very interesting as well.
Bono said…
You are so great in handling the embarrassing situation of seeing your little son playing with his do do. A very good reference for me indeed! Thank you for the sharing.
Sarah said…
great post! I mean, this is the best writing I've read in a while. Seriously. I'm so glad I found your blog.

Popular posts from this blog

Is Facebook Racist?

Coming out of the Shade

We've All Encountered Trayvon