Friday, June 17, 2011

Requiem of a Five Year Old Hoochie-Mama

My beautiful daughter, Maxwell, is turning five tomorrow. And if I do say, she has blossomed quite nicely in her wee time on this planet. And that's saying a lot since she started life as a wrinkled bundle of distrust. Truly, I know of no other child who could cut her eyes like my daughter at one and a half. But now, she's a loving (and sometimes goofy) little girl who can't wait to share her most prized possessions with her besties. Even this month, as if in anticipation of leaving pre school and embarking upon a busy kindergarten life, she has equally become more open, leading with a confident smile with its adorable overbite, and also more obstinate, showing a strong will and an alarming ability to spin lies. "No, I didn't take your scissors without asking and cut the fur and nose off of Stuffed Lion."


Now, this willful independence, as annoying as it can be, isn't my number one concern. As a matter of fact, I'm proud she periodically bucks the system. However, she's developing another quality that sets my teeth on edge. There seems to be a strong possibility that my little girl is somewhat of a tart.

We were watching So You Think You Can Dance and in a fit of pique, because I was focusing on the spectacular dancers this season and not bestowing my full attentions on my beloved daughter, Maxie yelled at me to pause the program. Then with the insistence of Veruca Salt she pointed to the female dancer and demanded, "Papa, I want that costume for my birthday."

Was it the frou frou, pink and lavender, princess-y confection I've gotten used to? Quite the contrary. The costume in question was more...well...take a look for yourself...


My baby is growing up and I'm scared shitless.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Suck on this, Sarah!


By now, most of have heard the latest Sarah Palin gaffe. (What? Another one? Get out of town!) While visiting the Old North Church in Boston, Palin made a horse's patootie of herself when presenting her loose interpretation of Paul Revere's place in history. She insisted Revere warned the British (?) and did so by ringing lots of bells.

See for yourself...



Seemingly unrelated, on Sunday, my little family went to a fundraiser for the Pop Luck Club, which is an organization for gay dads in the LA area.

Sebastian, as usual, scored tons of tickets, sometimes by winning them at basketball dunking, sometimes by asking complete strangers for their tickets, and was able to trade them in for cheap ass candy and cheap ass toys.

Michael, however, made his killing at the silent auction and raffle winning even more cheap ass stuff. He scored a camera bag full of random Pixie Hollow items (oh, joy) with Tinkerbell's image emblazoned on EVERY SINGLE THING (double joy). Didn't matter if it was a potholder or baseball cap, cookie cutter or potted plant that facacta fairy is fucking everywhere. And if that wasn't enough, he also brought home an insulated Cars bag with a Cars baseball hat, many Cars t-shirts which fit nary a one of us, and a cherry red jacket with Rust-eze across the back, perfect for a night out with the I'm-a-geeky-parent-and-wear-cartoon-merch crowd.


The event took place at Bash's old preschool, Fountain Day, and Maxie and I spent our time in one of the rooms chatting...well, I chatted, she played with every plushy she could get her grubby little mitts on. And at one point Michael came barging in with both Sebastian's and his booty, barely making it through the door. I ohhed and ahhed appreciatively. (At least in my head I ohhed and ahhed.) But it was Bash who touched me the most. Amongst his stash were two Hula Hoops, two candy bracelets and two bubbles in the shape of ice cream cones. He used his tickets to buy crap for his sister!

My little eight year old is growing up!

I did, however, notice only one lollipop ring and sensing a potential problem I pocketed said treasure.

As we walked to the car, Bash asked where his ring was and I plainly pointed out the problem, "I have it but the second I give it to you, Maxie will want one as well."

Bash was silent for a second then said, "You're right, Papa. Maxie loves those rings. I'm sorry, I should have gotten two, but I forgot."

Did my ears just deceive me? Or did my eight year old just take responsibility for his mistake. And really, it wasn't that much of a mistake, just an oversight. Holy crap, he's beginning to realize the world does not revolve only around him. And he sounds genuinely concerned that he slighted his sister. We are heading into a new frontier. I can feel it.

I praised him for looking out for his sister, but I still wasn't sure if the lollipop should be unwrapped. So I asked if he had a solution, and he offered, "Well, we could share."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I asked how this sharing would work and he said, "I could take a lick and then Maxie could pretend to take a lick."

So close.

They did end up sharing the lollipop in the car with some stern refereeing from the front seat, but over all, I couldn't be more proud of my son.

Cut back to Palin...

When interviewed on the very safe, "we love you Sarah" Fox News by the non-threatening, non-gotcha Chris Wallace, Palin could have amended her views on Paul Revere. She could have cited that she was tired and didn't know what the fuck she was saying. Or perhaps, it was just one of those pesky brain fart moments. Then she could accurately present the correct version of history, something her handlers could have prepped her on if she was still a little uncertain. This would make her more human in my eyes, showing that she too can be held accountable and take responsibility for her mistakes.

But nooooo...


Sebastian is entering the age of reason. Not only is he taking more responsibility for his actions, he is given more responsibilities, including looking out for his sister. It's our job as parents to help our kids through this transition of total selfishness to self awareness and placement in society. I'm sure, in her own way, Palin is instilling these very traits into her children. And yet, when backed into a corner, when a correspondent from the very network she works for asks for clarification, Sarah Palin does what she's always done, she puts on her stubborn hat and fires back rhetoric that just doesn't make one whit of sense.

"Part of his ride was to warn the British...You're not going to beat our own well-armed, ah, persons, ah, individual private militia that we have."

Well-armed persons individual private militia? Articulate much?

It is a strength when someone is able to admit he or she is wrong. Palin evidently thinks otherwise.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

On the Boards All Month Long

Self promotion can be so tawdry, just ask Donald Trump. However, I will brave the possible negative fallout and toot my own horn. My blogging has fallen short as of late because I am in middle of two rehearsal processes. That's right, Mommy is performing!


Opening on June 3rd is Invincible: The Legend of Billie Jean. The title might tickle a memory synapse (or whatever the fuck it is), for back in the big-haired eighties The Legend of Billie Jean was a movie starring Helen Slater. (Ah, Helen Slater...that harkens back, doesn't it? Her name brings to mind other eighties luminaries, such as Jan Michael Vincent, Judge Reinhold, Molly Ringwald and Cher.)

Well, a few liberties have been taken with our Billie Jean. Okay, maybe not a few...a whole battalion of liberties have been taken with our Billie Jean. (And no, this is not about tennis great, Billie Jean King, nor is it about the character in Michael Jackson's hit song.) Our show is...oh, what's the word...campy. Big time, slap on the shoulder pads, plop on the mullet wig, campy. Perhaps most evident in the fact our Billie Jean is played by a man. I know, isn't he gorgeous. And the cherry of our sundae...we all sing Pat Benatar music. "Hit me with your best shot..."

It is going to be a fun evening. You all got to come.

The Cavern Club Theatre @ Casita Del Campo
(Where you can imbibe some fabu pre-show margaritas)
1920 Hyperion, Los Angeles

We perform the next three Fridays and Saturdays: June 3rd and 4th, 10th and 11th, 17th and 18th at 9 pm.

For tickets, click HERE!


Next, Mommy with a Penis, my "one mom" show, based on this very blog, is back on the boards late June for the second annual Hollywood Fringe Festival.

Whereas last year's endeavor was all about whether my material works on stage (and it does), this year is all about marketing. Getting in reviewers, the GLAAD nominating committee, Michele Bachmann's hairdresser, Chita Rivera's dog groomer, Chaz and Cher. There are only four performances and I want those fuckers SOLD OUT.

Theatre of NOTE
1517 N. Cahuenga Blvd.
Hollywood

Thursday, June 16th at 10 pm
Saturday, June 18th at 2 pm
Sunday, June 19th at 6 pm
Tuesday, June 21st at 8 pm

To purchase tickets click HERE!

And for my blog readers, be sure to use the code word "Mommy" to get discounted tickets! My way of saying thank you for being so loyal.

To those of you who are planning to come out and support the theatre arts, flowers are not necessary, however they are always a lovely surprise.