Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Slip of the Tongue/Slip Me Some Tongue

It may be years old, but please enjoy the following fifteen seconds of foot in mouth...



Poor Cynthia Izaguirre. You can practically hear the egg oozing down her face. After going to commercial, I imagine her slapping her head in an I could have had a V-8 manner, followed by a big Homer Simpson Doh!

Aside from wondering if she received bushels of hate mail from fags, dykes and physically challenged mountain climbers, I had to ask, What was going on in this distracted newscaster's personal life? I mean, it's a peculiar mistake. Gay does not look like blind on the cue cards. Perhaps she just found out her fiance was gay? Or what if he recently became blind? Or maybe he became both gay and blind? And what if he lost his high paying job as a fashion consultant to boot?

I certainly hope Miss Izaguirre was not forced to make one of those uncomfortable, pseudo heartfelt "I didn't mean to receive a hand job from the hooker" apologies. Hugh Grant set the tone for this highly unnecessary, public mea culpa. And lately we've been inundated with Kanye and Serena and Joe Wilson and even good ol' Dave apologizing before rolling cameras. I can't help but judge their hollow words of regret. They end up degrading me with their watered down "the devil made me do it" excuses. From now on I flat out refuse to be the moral compass for anyone. All you out-of-control rappers and moral lapsing Republicans will have to flap your gums to someone else, because I will not take heed. Except for you Mark Sanford. You really fucked your shit up. Soul mate, indeed!

To push forward with the gay slash blind confusion just a little bit further, I had to ask, "Might homosexuality be seen as a disability?" Poor Doug, he lost his vision. Poor Suzette, she's a muff diver. On the same level do you think? Now, I have heard, Poor Cher, her gay daughter is about to become her straight son. But really, that just takes me off topic.

Then, perhaps perversely, I posited what if everything blind became gay? For instance, gay as a bat. (That would both explain homosexuals' fascination with vampires and bats' love of fruits.) Then there's gay man's bluff, gay faith, Three Gay Mice. "...You've never seen such a sight in your life..." And here's a biggie, "Don't masturbate! Hair will grow on your palms and you'll go gay." When you think about it, that, more than blindness, would be more effective when scaring Christian youth.

And then there's that annoying inflection. We've all heard it from various newscasters for years. The juicy catch phrase that keeps us tuned in for the next segment, always delivered with an upward inflection and an exclamation point. And if Miss Izaguirre had trumpeted the word blind as intended, it would have been tantalizing...fluff, but tantalizing. But she didn't. She blasted gay and it sounded strident and shrill. Certainly I have seen news stories about people who happened to be gay: gay pride parades, for example; gay marriage, certainly; Rosie O'Donnell. But I can't think of an instance where someone's gayness was the center of any news story. It's like singling out blackness or femaleness or Jewishness. It's just not done. Could you imagine...

This just in. Anderson Cooper, Neil Patrick Harris, Rupert Everett, Harvey Fierstein and Clay Aiken were in a barroom brawl. They were arrested for disturbing the peace and locked up in the county hoosegow. Not surprisingly, they are all GAY.

Yeah. As gay as a gaggle of bats.

7 comments:

David O said...

It is a puzzlement. She seems to be saying, "You'll never believe this, but the climber is -insert physical/social impairment that limits one ability to do things and will get you to come back after the commercial-." It brings up several interesting questions, however. Is the climber indeed gay as well as blind? Did that make his journey more or less challenging? Has anybody claimed the title of the first gay person to climb Mt. Everest? Are there any frozen bodies of failed gay mountain climbers in the Himalayas? Do any of us, gay or straight, give a crap?

Vodka Mom said...

Another well-written post from my favorite Mommy with an, um, extra gift.

you always amaze me.............

PaleMother said...

Good to see you.

Funny, I just thought of you this morning when I awoke to the news from NPR that (did I dream this?) Rush Limbaugh will be a judge at this year's Miss American Pagent. When even the Rams didn't want any part of him ....

First Carrie P. Now this.

So strange, I thought, Tim Gunn would be a much better choice. But then I realized that ... Miss America is just one of those little cultural twilight zones. On the surface, it seems like it should be left, but it's really right. And who is better at judging than Rush?

XXOO

The Bug said...

Oh lord - my husband & I have been cackling over this post (I was reading it out loud to him). We grew up Southern Baptist (go to an Episcopal Church now) & we especially loved the masterbation comment. Thanks for the laughs!

Liss said...

:o You'll never believe that someone who climbed Everest is GAY? Gay people have climbed higher than THAT honey! Something tells me she dug deeper than the center of the earth with that one!!

Great post :)

Knucklehead said...

And don't forget that killer rock band Third Eye Gay. Or playing Texas Hold 'em, being asked to put out the Big Gay or the Small Gay.

Jeez. Poor woman. What on earth was on her mind?

Did it MY way said...

Who gives a shit? People never cease to amaze me. Live love and enjoy. Forget the rest.